Wow it's been a lo~ng time. I just got my laptop back and I realized how obscenely long it's been since I checked my deviant. To any who cared to notice: I'm so very sorry for my absence. To all others: Hiya!

Alright so it's been about a year since I last checked in and even longer since I made an update on my life. I realize how horrible I was to begin with and I never really posted any of my works besides those currently in my gallery, none of which received much feed back. So I suppose that kinda threw me off this site. -shrugs- Well I'm back now and I'm still writing.

Maybe I should fill you in on my life in the past year, after all it has been quite eventful. Some of the major highlights of my past year:

1) I came out. Yes it's true, feel free to gasp in shock, or for those who couldn't care less...well you'll think of something. I'm a lesbian, and proud too. -grin- There's a lot of gay teens who say that coming out is the hardest part, and even more who say the hardest part is realizing your gay, be it male or female. I myself pretty much always knew. Up until puberty I was the ultimate tom-boy and as such I didn't have any time to think about gender, boys weren't icky and girls weren't stupid. Strange I know. (-cough- sarcasm -cough-) In fact, I labeled myself bisexual for a long time because I didn't understand the concept of being gay or lesbian. I knew what it was and I understood that it was just natural to 'them' but I didn't truly understand what the emotions went along with it were. I first realized I was gay when my boyfriend kissed me and I felt, for lack of a better term, violated. There was no warmth, no passion. Only lust and desire for my body, not for me.

It clicked then and I finally understood, being a lesbian wasn't pure physical attraction to women, it was, and is, too me, the feeling of being able to identify so completely and wholly with another person. Being able to share emotions to such an extent that it goes past the point of pure love, but too everything we feel and more. Maybe this is just me and I'm the only one who sees it that way but it made me the happiest person on the planet to finally have some hope of finding a person to share this with.

But then I got scared, irrationally so, I was terrified of what it would do to an already broken home, struggling friendships and tense relationships. So I put up a mask and denied my sexuality and my desires. I stifled the part of me that wanted to check out the girls with my best friend instead of the guys. My best friend is bisexual if you were wondering.

Like I said before I labeled myself as a bisexual for a very long time, but that was only to stop the questions, it was hard, especially so because I'm a mature person, my mind matured very quickly ensuring that I was thinking about not only sex, but passion at the age of 14. Normal 14 year old's think about it and maybe even look into sex on the internet or on late night tv and giggle about it with their friends later. Some even go as far as to have 'sex'.(I used this term very lightly as I have a different view on sex than most) I was serious. I wanted someone to hold and to lavish my attentions unto.

I had a few boyfriends and a few girlfriends, often keeping it from my friends, my family knew nothing of it, but it all changed when I looked back and realized that I was being used my all these people, they only wanted to see what it was like being with a "bi-chick" as one of my ex-boyfriends so eloquently put it. I decided enough was enough and I gave myself to women alone. I still had yet to announce it though, and I didn't for another two months.

During the first month I kept my "If they can get up the balls to ask me, I'll give them a shot." persona up. Really, that was what I stated often and to anyone. I had almost convince myself that was the right way to go to. That is until A guy a year younger than me asked me out. He was sweet, the only reason I convinced myself to go through with this relationship, a little inexperienced, but I have patience. His mind wasn't where most guy's went when they first started dating me. (I'd never had a relationship over 3 weeks) The best part about it was that I could actually talk to him with out him assuming I was insane. But as it got into the week, I started to feel like I was just putting up with him for the sake of having a boyfriend, face value you know. I was still terrified about the option of actually coming out. Well, I felt horrible. I eventually decided to give myself one more chance to change my mind and told him I'd go with him to the Fall Fair. (-rolls eyes- Hick town BC for yah.)

Now, I stress the point that this guy is the sweetest and kindest man I've ever known, really. But then he kissed me on the top of the fairs wheel and I swear to the gods I almost punched him. I, of course, couldn't do that, so I put up with it. I let him kiss me and put his arm around me, much to the enjoyment of my friends down below.

After that it was only about three days before I couldn't take it anymore. I didn't want to hurt the guy, he was so innocent it's almost impossible to say anything that could cause him pain. Honestly it was one of the harder things I've had to do. The only thing he had to say afterword's was that I 'used a lot of big words' -chuckle- The ultimate uke I swear.

The first person I told was my best friend. She took it in stride and started to plan my "coming out party" -smile- She's a great friend.

The next person was my father...the person I loathed to tell but I decided to tell before everyone else in case it got to him some other way. He and my mother split when I was eight and I hadn't really talked to him since, even when I was forced to attend his girlfriends family get-togethers out in Edmonton. I really didn't want to talk to him, so I took the easy way out and wrote a letter. I wrote an email a letter and I sent one after the other. Then I sent copies of that email to all of his family. A little bitchy I know, but it was something I needed to do to stave off all the phone calls I was sure to get about how I should be a 'good girl and go back to being normal' I'm serious people my relatives are that shallow. They did it before with my 'step- sister' they were sure to do it with me too.

I haven't heard from him besides one phone call that was a mangled attempt to ignore everything and act like nothing was wrong. -snort- I basically told him to fuck off and not contact me until he was willing to be the father he loved to pretend he was.

The next people in line to know were the ones living with me, my mother and uncle (mothers side). For a while they didn't know how to act, my mother saying that I didn't have enough experience in life to know who I wanted to be, and therefore who I want to be with. That ended rather quickly I assure you, after I snapped and stuck my foot through a wall mind you, but none the less. Now they are fine with it. I think my mother still holds onto the fact that I might change my mind when I'm older because I still don't discriminate between gender, but only time will tell eh?

2) I fell in love. Oh yes...she's amazing. I swear she makes my heart stop with just a touch. I couldn't comprehend for the longest time how I was able to get so lucky as to have this beautiful and powerful woman fall in love with me. It's almost impossible to express just how phenomenal she makes me feel.We got together on the 23rd of December and I haven't been able to stop thinking of how much I love her since. Her parents are causing a lot of trouble, they do NOT approve of their daughter being 'bisexual' as it were. In fact her father refuses to even accept the possibility. Wonderful people really....-huff- I have been banned from speaking to her. -snort- Like that will stop us. If anything that just made it worse for themselves, because now I'm never gonna let them forget that I'm here.

So as it is now we have to sneak behind her parents backs to see each other, and to make matters worse she lives in a city about 20 mins away. Meaning we can't just sneak out at night and see each other. -sigh- It sucks. But like I've been telling her, it's only another 2 years before she can move out and be done with it. -smile- We shall survive.

3) I moved! Woot! Well it's just a bigger house in the same boring ass hick town, but at least its off the farm away from those damn cows. Seriously people, they never shut up...never!

4) My brother deserted the family. Yes yes I know it sounds all dramatic and I'm probably exagerating a bit but he's being an asshole. My mind set is that of pack mentality. And he abandoned my mother in her time of need, I couldn't do anything to help her as I was in depression at the time and was trying to figure out what the hell was wrong with me. But he just up and left because everything got to hard. ....prick.

5) I finally understand myself. I know, it sounds so utterly cliche and teenage angst but it's true. If you knew me before you'd think I was a different person, I swear. I found, not so much a religion as it is a spirituality. I became a Wiccan. Of course this wasn't that big of a step for me as it is in my family but I finally decided to stop ignoring all the things that gave away my gift and embrace it. If you think I'm just spouting off nonsense then I suggest you never speak to me. I don't put up with shit anymore, and I won't just ignore it either. Prejudice against Lesbians and Gays as well as Wiccans' has gone on for far to long. We always just sit back and take it because there's so many more of you 'normal' people who are just ignorant of the reality. As far as I'm concerned you bastards out there who say we're sluts and 'devil worshipers' can go jump off a cliff.

The main reason I say that I found this spirituality is because it helped me accept my flaws as a person and in that, those of the people around me. It made it easier for me to understand peoples problems and help them with it. I said before that I'm mature for my age and it really is a blessing. I'm that person everyone comes to for help, or to vent too.

To give you a taste of just how all the things I've stated before this change my life imagine being a normal teenager and all the shit that goes along with that. Then add my coming out as a Lesbian. On top of that add falling in love and being blocked from seeing the person who your heart beats for by her very own parents. Now add everyone elses problems and mix it with the shit end of the stick and you get the mess that was my life for the past 4 years.

-sardonic smile- Yeah, fun times eh? So You understand if I don't take much shit from anyone about my sexuality or spirituality.

There's a bunch of little stuff that adds up to a life changing experience but that's most of it. Hope to get some feed back and I'll be sure to post more later.